Pet Peeve: Poor parenting. Oh, the irony

***edit: autocorrect will not let me live!***

When I was growing up, I was left to my own devices for a good part of the time. Not that I was alone, but I just wasn't included in a lot of things. My siblings are at least 4 years older than me. Anyway, as the youngest I didn't get a lot of tv time which is part of the reason I don't watch a lot of tv now.

However, after everyone went to sleep, or tired of tv watching, I would watch music videos and Def Comedy Jam.  Oh, Def Comedy Jam. How I loved thee! Of course, this was before life experiences forced me into grinchhood. So, I was watching Def Comedy Jam having a grand ole time. I love nothing better than to laugh. (This is probably where my love of cussing came from, too.) That night, however, I must've been enjoying it at a volume a bit louder than normal. My grandfather overheard the jokes.

My grandfather IMMEDIATELY yelled for my grandmother, "Mama! (She hated being called "mama.") Do you know what San-tan (me) is in here listening to???"

Grandma: What are you watching?

Me: *not quite sure of the problem* Def Comedy Jam... ?

Grandma: Turn that off. Find something else to watch.

So, I did, or maybe I didn't. I may have just turned it down. My grandfather was one hundred years old, if he was a day. He was SUPER old when I was born being that he was 14 yrs older than my grandmother. He couldn't hear it if I just turned it down a notch or two.

But. I think this was really rich of them. They basically let my older (by almost a full decade, but still a minor), psychotic brother raise me. He was not a good father, in training, or by any other stretch of the imagination. I quite feared him and his violent tendencies. All that to say that the worst influences in my life were NOT on tv. I had a real life shit/comedy show sleeping in the same bed as me.

(We were very poor so all 5 kids plus my grandma slept in one room. My granddad had his own room because he was old and disgusting and my my grandma didn't like him all that much.)

Anyway, back to my brother. Ampy is what my grandfather called him. (My grandfather had a difficult time hearing and pronouncing names.) So, Ampy, the fan favorite, was a teenager when I was a kid. Do you guys know what teenage boys are like??? Of course, you do. Now imagine being a small child living in squalor and chaos with a 6 foot tall well built sociopathic teenager. Plus, everyone else. I can't even finish the story just thinking of all the things I want to explain. But. I will stay the course as best I can.

One day, after an afternoon of jumping rope with my cousin, I came into the house for a drink, I guess. As I am walking past the living room, guess who the fuck is on the fucking couch, that I sometimes *slept* on with my great grandma, getting his dick sucked by a buck and gap teeth having young woman? That muthafucka. I ran back outside in horror, but I guess I had ruined the mood because she came walking up the street, smiling serenely at me. Not long after *that*, he came running up the street asking what I saw. "Nothing! I saw nothing." I didn't tell anyone because telling someone (an adult)  would have done no good. He reigned supreme in our cramped and raggedy abode.

Not long ago, I was chatting with my sister -Tine- who is 5 years older than me and I finally told her. It was in context, I just can't remember how. Guess what? She had a story of her own! 

He was in *our* bedroom WITH my sister one day and she noticed some sort of gyrations out the corner of her eye. She turned and in, her words, "just in time for the money shot." (I'll come back to that line) She asked, basically, what the fuck he was doing and he went on to clinically explain masturbation to her.

Even now, in my 30s, I was too afraid to find out the answer of what she meant by "money shot." Did she just look up and see cum flying? Did it touch her? Did she mean she could see his penis very clearly? I do not know. I will never know. Also, where the fuck had the bathroom gone?! We lived in too small and crowded of a house for that muthafucka to think he could do sexual activities in the public spaces like the living room and bedroom.

In the end, she never told either! We both knew that it would get us nowhere fast. Except maybe drop kicked in the face by Ampy.

Let me also add that new Jack City came out when I was like 7 or 8 and I watched that movie WITH my grandma and siblings... at that age.

So, the question, at the end of all this is: how much damage was Def Comedy Jam really causing me? IMO, none. I enjoyed it; it made me laugh. I wasn't traumatized or abused by it. I didn't fear while at the same time feel enraged by it. Honestly, I think my granddad just didn't want my 5, 6, 7(??? I have no idea how old I was) self to be great! Fucking bastard.