Well, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down

Well, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down…

Once upon a time, I was a bigger fool than I am now. I was young, slim, and hanging out with various dudes. Except one of the guys was my ex-boyfriend. My ABUSIVE, ex-boyfriend. Why was I hanging with him, one might ask? I’m an idiot. Also, see abandonment and attachment issues. Anyway, so one of the guys we’ll call Heavy Chevy, the second guy, Donell Jones, and my ex, we’ll just call him Ex.

Okay, what happened is this: I was losing interest in Donell Jones. If I ever had been interested. I find it’s difficult for me to figure out if I actually like someone because of all my insecurities and issues. Anyway, I was losing interest, but I had promised Donell Jones that we could have the movie night he had been asking for, for weeks. Fine. I finally get to my house and I’m antsy the whole time. Why antsy? Because I know Ex will be stopping by in approximately 2 hours as he has done for a while now. I’m just hoping the movie will be over and I can usher DJ out the door before things go to hell. Ex is abusive, as I mentioned, and his temper is ridiculous. Even though he cheated on me, abused me, and called me dirty names, he still wouldn’t have been happy about me hanging with other dudes. Finally, I can’t take it. I call my cousin. The player of all players, to ask wtf can I do? How can I get out of this predicament? Her advice? Just tell DJ the truth: my *boyfriend* is coming over after he gets off and it’s best if he’s not there when he arrives. This sounded like the most cockamamie advice I had ever received. Bah! So, I go back into the bedroom to jitterbug some more, wondering if the night would end in bloodshed. I eventually leap up and tell DJ that I need to move my car to the backyard and I need to do it now. Why hasn’t this boy left when it is clear something is up? I don’t know. Whatever. So, I move my car to the back yard and calm just the slightest bit. I can’t fully calm down because Ex has seen DJ’s car at my job before and with Ex being a sociopath, I’m not sure if he will recognize the car or part of license plates or what.

Quickly, at this point I was living with my grandparents, so dudes would either call or knock on my bedroom window. Ex would always knock. So, as I’m sitting with DJ not watching whatever movie I put in, Ex knocks at the bedroom window, and I am all a dither. I just sit stock-still while my heart races wildly, thinking, “This is it. The point of reckoning is upon me.” The knocking gets more insistent and DJ finally speaks up, “I think someone is knocking at your window.” My wonderfully, brilliant reply? “No, they’re not.” Knocks are heard, again. He says, “I really think someone is knocking.” My excellent, innovative reply, “Oh. ‘They’ do that sometimes. Just be quiet and ignore them. They will go away.” Who the fuck is this vague as they?! Neighborhood crackheads? My stalkers? Zombies of the apocalypse? He, interestingly enough, does exactly that, though. We both sit there silently until the knocking stops.

Okay. Cool. I lived through that brush with death by the skin of my teeth. Hallelujah! I celebrated too soon, though. Heavy Chevy ends up calling me. Let me note, that for some reason I didn’t tell any of these guys I was hanging with other guys, even though none of them were my boyfriend. I don’t know why. Maybe because I was being a little (okay, a lot) sketchy. DJ and Heavy Chevy both worked with me. To be fair, TO BE FAIR, I wasn’t sleeping with either of them. Just the abuser, like the good girl, I am. Sigh. Anyway, for some foolish reason, I answer Heavy Chevy’s call, thinking, I don’t know what, exactly. Here’s where it went further downhill. He’s not calling just to chat. He’s calling because he’s outside and wants me to come out. Oh, Lord, no! God, no. How? What? Why? I don’t think Heavy Chevy had ever really just shown up unannounced. This is what happens when you’re trying to feign more interest in dudes than you actually have. I have probably told every dude who smiled at me that he’s, “welcome to visit me whenever he wants.” MISTAKE! Now someone has taken me up on my offer. The gears in my brain are starting to flake off the rust that had previously accrued, rendering me stupid.

I give up. I’m coming clean. I tell Heavy Chevy, “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m actually hanging out with company right now.” I hear silence. “Hello? Heavy Chevy?” He had hung up after he told me to come outside. Fuuuuuucccccckkkkk. I don’t want him to knock on the window or door, since I have foolishly let him know that I’m home. The gears are spinning with a full bottle of WD 40 greasing the wheels and cogs now. I take a deep breath and turn to DJ. Time for plan B: lie like a muthafucka because coming clean didn’t pan out. DJ, “Hey, my cousin is outside wanting to borrow my curling iron. I will be right back.” I grab a curling iron from my box full of shit in the hallway and rush outside. I let the curling iron be seen. Heavy Chevy kisses me when I sit in his car. He wants to know what I’m doing with the curling iron. The lie worked once, let’s hope it will take me across the finish line. “My cousin needs me to bring my curling iron so she can fix her hair before going out.”  He replies, “Oh, well. I wanted to take you somewhere. Call me when you get back.”

I get back in the house and take a deep breath. Please, God, don’t let Ex come back or have been waiting in the bushes and saw me with Heavy Chevy. Even though I felt confident that if the bush thing were the case HC and I would’ve been toast. So, the movie finally (FINALLY) ends, I tell DJ that I’m tired and will be heading to sleep. He leaves and I call Ex. He asks where I am. I tell him I’m with my best friend. He says, “whose car are you in?” I tell him mine. See? This is where I fucked up a lil bit. Why would he ask about my car? Unless he knew EXACTLY where my car was and wanted to see if I would lie. I told him that I was in my car. He says, deadly quiet, “Why are you lying?” Me: What? No I’m not. Ex: I saw your car in the backyard. Me: No, you didn’t. We go back and forth for a bit and I finally say, “I lied about my car because I wanted you to know what it feels like to be lied to when you KNOW your significant other is flat out lying.” Because he’s a no good, lying cheater, he swallows the dig.

I made it out unscathed. Thank the Heavens above because if left up to my own smarts I would’ve been dead meat.

And this is the story, all about how one night, my life was flipped, turned upside down. Moral of the story: tell the truth and never, ever incorporate a sociopath into your dating circle. Or into your life at all.