Man I feel like a woman... an old ass woman

Every so often I will become convinced I am on the autism spectrum. Not that I actually do anything about it. It just gives me a sense of “ah, yep. That’s it.” So, I could very well be slightly autistic AND I hate everything. Hence the name of the blog. I don’t hate any one group; I hate ALL the groups and all the people. However, I have, like, hypersensitive empathy issues, which pisses me off. I avoid most people like the plague because I don’t want to get caught up in no shit. That being said, the world is a fucking SHITSHOW. I have never been able to figure out how so many STUPID, UNFOUNDED ideas get such traction with such a large following. As we know, islamophobia is a real muthafuckin’ thing. Even though, if we applied the same fucking rules, we (Americans) should DEFINITELY be christianity-ophobes, if we want to take the one-bad-apple-spoils-the-bunch path. However, to discuss these issues would take much longer than a blog post.

Now for what I mean to ACTUALLY discuss. With the world being so fucking shitty, I have had to up my niceness factor. THIS pisses me off. I don’t want to smile, I don’t want to say, “How do you do?” because I don’t care about the answer. Yet, no one should have to feel uncomfortable in their own damn country. So now I find myself smiling and nodding at Muslims to let them know I’m not one of the fuckers. Sometimes good deeds do not go unpunished because they sometimes look at ME like they want to commit a hate crime against me. Of course, I think most people will likely try to kill me, or something equally sinister, not just Muslims. That’s just my natural inclination: to be suspicion.

Yet another instance of me having to be nice, against my will, was at one of my fav tourist attraction restaurants this past weekend. My best guy friend finally took me there, after having promised it to me for Christmas approximately 2 years ago. So, we’re sitting, happy to be there, when I hear the busboy talking to one of the servers. He says, seemingly apropos of nothing, “Do people even still wear those? Toms?” Who the fuck says that to someone? CLEARLY, someone wears them since you’re looking at them. Thankfully, she retorts, “I don’t know about people, but I do.” Why is this any your concern, young man? Yes, of course, I’m not minding my own business, BUT I have no malicious intent and wanted to avoid someone else being upset. After that bullshit question, when she came around to ask if we needed anything, I told her that I liked the shoes. Of course, right after I started thinking that she was probably thinking why the hell are these nondescript shoes getting such attention today? Whatever. What’s done is done now. I did my part in trying to offset the shittiness of the world.

Annnnnndddd, the fuck, I find myself letting whole ads play on YouTube because I want people to get paid for their hard work. Quality is important and I’m always on the cliff of existential crises so here I am. Like, who the fuck am I? Being all nice and shit. If I had my way these dimples would never come out to play and I wouldn’t ever look anyone in the eyes. Also, I definitely wouldn’t be watching commercials and shit. Bah! I wish I could just be uncaring, then this whole all-the-things-make-me-sick life would be much easier.

I saw this shit happen to women in my family as they got older. They would start out listening to popular music including rap, then segue into no rap at all. My aunt used to listen to the gospel station on the lowest volume ever known to the hearing man. I never expected it to happen to me. I grew up in the time of raunchy, rap music. After singing, “Shake that monkey” and “to the window, to the wall, till the sweat drop down my balls”, how could I possibly ever be offended? Well, let me tell you how. After having lived a little longer, as a young woman and now a woman, I realize EXACTLY why I can’t listen to it; why I can’t be part of other women’s and my own degradation. So, now my rap catalog has been truncated and the dudes in my life can’t understand it. I was choosing the music for a 2 hour car ride and after a few songs my friend said, “Okay, well, now can we listen to something within the past 2 to 3 years?” I had to admit that I really don’t know any rap from that recently. I’m old and a feminist! Lord, no! Why?!Then, on the way back I told him I would drive so that he could sleep and I could listen to Toni Braxton from 1998. Sigh. That was the best drive I’ve ever had with another person. All the old school, heartfelt R & B I could’ve wanted while sitting beside a friend.

The problem that I have with rap is that some men seem to be treating women EXACTLY the way they rap about them. This is ABSOLUTELY astounding to me. I don’t go out shooting people, jumping over fences, and the like, just because I saw an action movie. Why the fuck are so many people looking up to entertainers? I’ve known from the beginning of my impoverished life that a celebrity’s entertaining song and video has nothing to do with my life or even their *real* life for that matter. I was raised by wolves, for pete’s sake! I should be the least uninfluenced person ever. However, I am not. Boys growing up and uncaring, unfeeling, disrespectful ass bitches. Girls growing up, having sex with dudes who don’t care about their pleasure, then treating that jobless bastard to Red Lobster because Beyonce sang that shit in a song. She said, “IF he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” Not, “if he fucks me, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” Whatever, She ain’t gave me a dime and I ain’t buying his ass shit. How ‘bout that? I kid… a lil’ bit. If he’s cool to me, then of course, I’m cool to him. Otherwise, his ass will starve as far as I’m concerned and I strongly encourage the same behavior in others.