Excuse me?!

What could prompt me out of my silence, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

So, if you remember, there was a guy, In the Meantime, who I had “befriended.” Lately, for some reason, he has revved up his communication efforts. Interestingly, these efforts came AFTER he told me that a girl, with whom he had been spending time, gave him her demands: she wanted a committed relationship. At that point, he tells me, he offered her an open relationship. Now, I’m not in the non-traditional relationship world so I don’t know exactly how it works. What I do know is that when someone asks for a closed, committed relationship you don’t counteroffer with some shit, which is in no way similar, and live to tell the tale, usually. Apparently he’s a rarity. She still wanted to go forth with him. Whatever. Not my business, right? I’ve told him on more than one occasion that he will never be my boyfriend and would never be my husband which is why I don’t take anything that he says seriously. Why would I?

Fast forward to yesterday, he called while I was at the dentist and since my phone was dead he left a voicemail. Instead of listening to the message I just called him. I will say that I don’t regularly answer the phone for him because he is so terrible. The other day my best friend told me that I essentially never want to hear from her after I enumerated all the times it was ridiculous for him to call. 6 pm? I just got off work. I don’t want to talk after work. 11 pm? I’m sleep! I work in the mornings now. Why is he calling? What does he want? Nothing! Of course, I was awake it was just the point. However, yesterday I had heard a sad country song about missing an ex and wishing that he had been a better man. Then, I got in the car and heard a rap song about only wanting to hang with a woman for the fellatio she offered. I was despondent by the time I got home. So, I decided to take him up on his offer of friendship and I planned to tell him how much I missed The Narcoleptic and how uninspired I felt about future relationships with men. Except that talk was thwarted. How you ask? Well, a woman was on the phone when I called.

What a surprise! Especially since not 2 weeks ago he advised me that he had told her not to ask who was on his phone because it wasn’t that type of party. I found that to be rude, but if that’s what she tolerates, then that’s her business. So, here she is on the line and there I was confused as fuck. At first, I thought I hit a wrong name and called God knows who, but I didn’t back down. She said, “oh, you want to speak to In the Meantime?” I confirmed, but instead of putting him on the phone here comes the interrogation. How are you? You and In the Meantime are friends? How long have you guys been friends? I’m his girlfriend. Did you know he had a girlfriend? Well, any friend of his is a friend of mine. I would like to get to know all of his friends. Maybe you could come over and play monopoly and cards one day. You do know how to play cards, right?

Here’s the thing, I believe that not very many people are on the side of women, men or women alike, so I try to answer honestly and as openly as possible to assuage the woman’s fears when I find myself in these situations, barring any extraneous bullshit peacocking from her. So that was that. It didn’t anger me just confused and tickled me. For each man, who is not a hermit, there is a woman willing to fight to the death for him. No, that strange phone call didn’t ruffle me.

What DID ruffle my feathers was the response of a “friend” of mine with whom I shared what I believed to be a humorous story. What she said was, “It sounds like she wasn’t rude or disrespectful even though she had every right to.” Uh, what? Clearly she does not know me and my character and who the fuck is she talking to?! Why on earth would I be in a situation with a no good, lying, cheating, useless man willingly? Also, NO ONE but NO ONE has ANY fucking rights to disrespect me or my person. I was the one caught unawares and borderline accosted. I was the one left out to potentially dry by that fool ass dude who did not prevent her from answering the phone. Who talks to a friend this way? This WAS the reason I was sweating, in fight or flight mode, leaning toward the former almost to the point of breaking the fight or flight dial. If there is one thing my I cannot stomach is somebody, ANYBODY treating me in a way that the woman who birthed me would NOT. I don’t even know if I can hear the word “disrespect” and/or “every right” ever again without flying off the deep end.

Anyway, so this dummy, In the Meantime. For some reason, for about 3 consecutive days, he told me over and over that I was going to be single forever until I eventually got fed up and snapped. My retort went a little something like this: The girl who is fucking with YOU has GOT to be desperate. You are a terrible man and she needs to re-evaluate her standards. I don’t need any commentary or advice from you! You don’t meet any standard that I have and any dude like you would never make the cut. Don’t you ever tell me I will be single as if I am the problem. I am single because I’m not willing to kowtow to some bullshit ass man’s demands and haven’t met a reputable, likable man not because of any insurmountable internal or external defects I may possess.

The got damn nerve of people! You better be the most feminist, humane man on this planet before you decree my eternal singledom. Not the pieces of shit I’ve ever encountered. You have too many things to work on before you start telling me to do something to my own detriment.

I am at the point where I don’t even want to talk to people anymore, only my best friend. Anybody else might potentially piss me off and life is already taking me over the edge.

And everybody should know this. I don’t want your stupid boyfriend. I barely want the stupid boys that I’m dealing with (used to deal with).