Pet Peeve: The Leading Cause of Separation is Getting to Know One Another
Have you ever realized that you were *different*, on such a random day, in such a random way, that you couldn’t believe you didn’t see it before? I have read hundreds, no, thousands, of books. Most of them involve some sort of romance. I’ve always read, “I wanted to know [this or that]” or “I want to know everything” about their special someone. I ask, almost every person I encounter, what he or she talks about with their significant other. I just can’t imagine talking to a man about that many things.
The most anxiety-provoking thing in the beginning of the situation between The Narcoleptic and I was when he wanted to play Truth or Truth. Truth or Truth? What the fuck? I thought of approximately 3 questions and I’m almost positive I used his questions for me, in the inverse for him. So, I read these books and listen to people around me, wanting to get to the crumbs of another human. I am not a sociopath and I am not a complete narcissist (not as far as I know), but I honestly don’t care that much about the facts of other people’s lives. I just do not. I care about people’s feelings and memories, but how many siblings they have? Nah. I’m good.
I have a friend with whom I have been friends with since approximately 1902. Let’s call him Loki. I didn’t realize, until around 2014, that I really don’t know much about Loki. I only realized this because I would tell my best friend little anecdotes about my time with him and she would ask me all these in depth questions that I would have no inkling how to answer. The questions she asked had never even crossed my mind when I was with him. Loki, now that I have been actively asking questions and getting to know him, has started to make me not like him very much. Well, no, I won’t say that. Okay, maybe a little. He’s super funny, nice, intelligent, and laid back. Fun to be around, all-in-all. His core values, though? Um, well, they a bit to be desired, actually.
He and I are both single and getting up in age. We played around with the idea of artificial insemination to have a baby together in 3 years after we twist some finances around. That shit came crashing down earlier this year. Wanna know why? Getting to know a muthafucka. Here’s what happened: My best friend (again) asked did this guy know that I was planning to give the baby my last name. I thought surely, he has to. Anyone, who knows anything about me knows that I don’t give a fuck about a man’s legacy and he better not even mention that shit to me. I really don’t even want to have to make decisions with someone else. But. I digress on that point. So, she asked me did he know and I couldn’t say that we had ever discussed it.
One day, he and I had met up for lunch at Chipotle. I broached the subject. He said, “No” in, what sounded to me like, a scathing tone. “We can hyphenate, but my last name will be last.” My head snapped up. “Excuse me?! You think your name is more important than mine???” No, but my last name would be last. Hmmmph! Here’s the thing. I have a few thoughts when it comes to the naming of children. I am of a mind that as the bearer of that sucka, the woman has final say. However, I realize that this is rooted in my desire to never relinquish control to someone who will never go through what I would have to go through for the little bundle of joy to make it to the planet. I have come up with an alternative to the name situation, though. Just to prove that men think they are more important in the grand scheme of things, no matter what. So, I said, “Well, we can give the baby a hybrid of both of our last names.” He replied, “No, that is ridiculous.” I said, “Okay, well, then let’s come up with an entirely different last name and we all take on that new last name.” “No, I’m not doing that.” So, basically, he’s just proving to me my theory is correct. *Some* men, somehow, some way, think that they are more important, in the scheme of bearing and rearing children, and honestly it seems like, in life, in general; that a woman’s legacy is not even a such thing.
I hate when shit like this happens because it always forces me to think harder and come up with better arguments for something I wouldn’t think twice about. I never considered changing my name if I were to ever get married. The first dispute I had with The Narcoleptic was about this very thing! He had said something about gender norms earlier in the day, I recalled it later that day, and asked what he meant. He said, “For example, taking the man’s last name when a couple gets married.” I asked why. He then asked me, “What is the point of getting married then?!” I actually had to say, “Let’s talk about something else because we are getting too riled up about this.” However, my thought is this: McScuse me, muthafucka? Basically, he’s telling me that erasing a woman’s birth name is more important that the actual marriage, essentially.
Are *some* men getting married simply because they hate women’s last names? Are they willing to NOT marry someone because of something that which, in all honesty, has nothing to do with them? My name has absolutely no bearing on them. They don’t even consider the smaller things like changing your license, ssn (which is a pain in the arse), bank accounts, medical records, and a host of other things that they will never have to worry about; won’t have to worry a single solitary second because when they get married they aren’t the least bit inconvenienced. The bigger counterargument I’ve had to come up with to prove how ridiculous they are, is that if I were to get married, statistically speaking, I would marry a Black man. If I don’t, the following argument would change a bit.
So, if I find a Black man who proposes (or who I propose to) and I accept, he would then expect me to take on his ancestors’ slave master’s name. That is what he is trying to tell me. His great-great granddaddy’s “owner’s” name is more than the thoughts and feelings of the woman he loves who stands before him. I have tried to explain that holding on to their last name and wishing to force a woman to change her last name to something that he didn’t even choose is a bit silly. If we are starting a family together, at the very least, why can’t we start our own thing with a new name of our choosing? I really would prefer not to change my last name, at all, but at least I am willing to compromise.
Sigh. So, yeah. This is a thing. The most interesting part of this is, prior to when I started dating (like 2 years ago) I had never thought on this topic. I never imagined anyone would be invested in something of mine that is not harming, nor helping, them. I’m not going to chuck a man if he doesn’t want to change his last name to mine. I have plenty of other reasons to chuck him…
The most anxiety-provoking thing in the beginning of the situation between The Narcoleptic and I was when he wanted to play Truth or Truth. Truth or Truth? What the fuck? I thought of approximately 3 questions and I’m almost positive I used his questions for me, in the inverse for him. So, I read these books and listen to people around me, wanting to get to the crumbs of another human. I am not a sociopath and I am not a complete narcissist (not as far as I know), but I honestly don’t care that much about the facts of other people’s lives. I just do not. I care about people’s feelings and memories, but how many siblings they have? Nah. I’m good.
I have a friend with whom I have been friends with since approximately 1902. Let’s call him Loki. I didn’t realize, until around 2014, that I really don’t know much about Loki. I only realized this because I would tell my best friend little anecdotes about my time with him and she would ask me all these in depth questions that I would have no inkling how to answer. The questions she asked had never even crossed my mind when I was with him. Loki, now that I have been actively asking questions and getting to know him, has started to make me not like him very much. Well, no, I won’t say that. Okay, maybe a little. He’s super funny, nice, intelligent, and laid back. Fun to be around, all-in-all. His core values, though? Um, well, they a bit to be desired, actually.
He and I are both single and getting up in age. We played around with the idea of artificial insemination to have a baby together in 3 years after we twist some finances around. That shit came crashing down earlier this year. Wanna know why? Getting to know a muthafucka. Here’s what happened: My best friend (again) asked did this guy know that I was planning to give the baby my last name. I thought surely, he has to. Anyone, who knows anything about me knows that I don’t give a fuck about a man’s legacy and he better not even mention that shit to me. I really don’t even want to have to make decisions with someone else. But. I digress on that point. So, she asked me did he know and I couldn’t say that we had ever discussed it.
One day, he and I had met up for lunch at Chipotle. I broached the subject. He said, “No” in, what sounded to me like, a scathing tone. “We can hyphenate, but my last name will be last.” My head snapped up. “Excuse me?! You think your name is more important than mine???” No, but my last name would be last. Hmmmph! Here’s the thing. I have a few thoughts when it comes to the naming of children. I am of a mind that as the bearer of that sucka, the woman has final say. However, I realize that this is rooted in my desire to never relinquish control to someone who will never go through what I would have to go through for the little bundle of joy to make it to the planet. I have come up with an alternative to the name situation, though. Just to prove that men think they are more important in the grand scheme of things, no matter what. So, I said, “Well, we can give the baby a hybrid of both of our last names.” He replied, “No, that is ridiculous.” I said, “Okay, well, then let’s come up with an entirely different last name and we all take on that new last name.” “No, I’m not doing that.” So, basically, he’s just proving to me my theory is correct. *Some* men, somehow, some way, think that they are more important, in the scheme of bearing and rearing children, and honestly it seems like, in life, in general; that a woman’s legacy is not even a such thing.
I hate when shit like this happens because it always forces me to think harder and come up with better arguments for something I wouldn’t think twice about. I never considered changing my name if I were to ever get married. The first dispute I had with The Narcoleptic was about this very thing! He had said something about gender norms earlier in the day, I recalled it later that day, and asked what he meant. He said, “For example, taking the man’s last name when a couple gets married.” I asked why. He then asked me, “What is the point of getting married then?!” I actually had to say, “Let’s talk about something else because we are getting too riled up about this.” However, my thought is this: McScuse me, muthafucka? Basically, he’s telling me that erasing a woman’s birth name is more important that the actual marriage, essentially.
Are *some* men getting married simply because they hate women’s last names? Are they willing to NOT marry someone because of something that which, in all honesty, has nothing to do with them? My name has absolutely no bearing on them. They don’t even consider the smaller things like changing your license, ssn (which is a pain in the arse), bank accounts, medical records, and a host of other things that they will never have to worry about; won’t have to worry a single solitary second because when they get married they aren’t the least bit inconvenienced. The bigger counterargument I’ve had to come up with to prove how ridiculous they are, is that if I were to get married, statistically speaking, I would marry a Black man. If I don’t, the following argument would change a bit.
So, if I find a Black man who proposes (or who I propose to) and I accept, he would then expect me to take on his ancestors’ slave master’s name. That is what he is trying to tell me. His great-great granddaddy’s “owner’s” name is more than the thoughts and feelings of the woman he loves who stands before him. I have tried to explain that holding on to their last name and wishing to force a woman to change her last name to something that he didn’t even choose is a bit silly. If we are starting a family together, at the very least, why can’t we start our own thing with a new name of our choosing? I really would prefer not to change my last name, at all, but at least I am willing to compromise.
Sigh. So, yeah. This is a thing. The most interesting part of this is, prior to when I started dating (like 2 years ago) I had never thought on this topic. I never imagined anyone would be invested in something of mine that is not harming, nor helping, them. I’m not going to chuck a man if he doesn’t want to change his last name to mine. I have plenty of other reasons to chuck him…
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