It's the Most Ugly Time of the Year

This is the WORST time of year for me. I am nothing to write home to mom about on a regular day, but during the hotter months I look VERY much like who shot John and forgot to kill him. It stems from my sensitivity to every damn thing. My eyes are overly sensitive, as far as I’m concerned, so I *seem* to squint harder than the average Joe which causes my harsh, thick, black eyebrows to furrow sooo deeply. I was once told, by a guy, that I look like an angry wasp. Yippee. Next, I am slightly allergic (?) to the sun so I break out in a heat rash on my face and arms. Lovely. Next, my eczema likes to make an appearance just to exacerbate everything else I have going on. Lastly, but certainly not least, I am already the darkest brown that looks okay with my facial features. I don’t know how to explain it. When my skin tans it becomes an ugly, burnt color that looks so unnatural. I’m not against dark skin in any way. I don’t know how to explain it. Have you ever seen someone who just doesn’t look their natural color and it just looks odd? That’s me. I guess the icing on this shit cake that is me is that I am too lazy to manipulate my hair in any pleasing way. People are still against Black women with natural hair and when I haven’t given myself a twist out or something I can see EXACTLY what there is not to like about it. I guess the melting candle on the cake is this lumpy body.

All that to say, recently I had the absolute misfortune of seeing a picture of myself from behind that was distributed to the entire company. I almost vomited. I used to look at women with their wide, flat, rectangular butts and think how sad they looked from the back, in my eyes. Now, though, it has been brought to my light that I *am* one of those women! Oh God. I don’t regularly look in the mirror because all I see is my mother’s ugly, old face looking back out at me. I've never looked at myself straight on from the back, below my back, because I really never had a reason to do so. I see my butt from the side, normally, and know that it was nothing to write home about, but the side view and full on view are two ENTIRELY different things. Just in case you didn’t know. Now I can’t un-see the shit. I find myself looking at my butt every time I’m in a restroom now. Just another thing to fucking worry about. Gah. Before I got on a terrible roll of having dudes take sex from me, I had vowed not to have sex again until I got into some type of shape because that seems like it could be a real turn off; to see this body, without my smile, from the back. I have other reasons to refrain from sex now, but looking like the bag of coal Santa leaves for naughty children is certainly on the top ten list. 

For fuck's sake. I worry, worry, worry about my looks all the time and I cannot stop.